guts full spill

 

Tonight I've realised, that a life cycle that began 28 years ago, has died. Ended. I'm relieved and sad about it. But most of all, I am sincerely grateful for the clarity this death has created. My fear is in the clarity not sticking around long enough for me to really know it. But I intend to find the courage.

I was 21 and I was about to leave art school, in my own spectacular way, concocted some semi conscious plan, a narrative that involved rebellion, criticism and depression. Sustainable, educated and kind of a willed spiritual gesture. I dreamed big as you do at that age.

It was an experiment, with my life, with life. I wanted to find out what I really didn't know. Having up to that point, been able to be mainstream, complacent and goldenly happy. I wanted to know what was out there. I had and still have this vague notion of tying myself to a rock, to feel heavy, so I could not be moved. I was terrified of my own transience.

Pain was to be my rock, self knowledge my undeniable rope. Such adolescent grand gestures. And yet, here I am. What has ended? I don't know I'm too tired to speak. I've talked about it all day with so many professional strangers on mental health lines. A text message to a friend. I've got the dozen journals by the bedstead drowned in their many brilliant diagrams, syllogisms, prayers for peace, that spring "you'r ok you've done this, just get through this full bore". All hands on deck, the sirens are singing, I've thrown rocks, I can hear them singing, there they are on the rocks, I sail past. I am the mast my friend.

 

Speaking like this in public. Who speaks like this in public, the mad, the conceited capitalist mining their person circumstances. I intend to get a job. As someone who believes in Welfare as a freedom to enjoy from capitalism, that it should be attached to a persons right to self development and not directly to employment, this will be (as it has been) a real effort. I feel I can see my path forming, one where I will increase the chance of something happening, something being born that doesn't presently exist in the way that I feel it could, in a way that I feel and believe in.

But not to get ahead of myself. There are so many daily small steps that must be taken still, before I will see sudden change. The maintenance of my now is huge,  two children that in so many ways are my masters, teachers to know myself. A test where I must love myself or fail them, miss myself.
 

Times flesh, Emotion, 

feeling

Reading

 

Writing action

On a path

already there 

False divides and full moons, tonight I've had a guts full spill

So so excited